Advice from an Ironman triathlete’s wife: How to make the relationship work

In the recent Wall Street Journal article, A Workout Ate My Marriage, the author states: “The exercise widow often wakes to an empty bed—a sure sign of a morning workout—and may find dinner plans spoiled by a sudden avoidance of anything heavy before a night run.” This obsession with exercise can result in “Divorce by Triathlon.”

Finding the right balance is something I’ve struggled with and I’ve been through several relationships in the past that ended with the resentment of my focus (obsession?) with triathlon training and racing.  I know many other triathletes that struggle with balance, too.

I shared this article with my triathlon coaching client, Peter O’Dunne.  Peter owns Mid-Atlantic Rubber (an industrial rubber manufacturing and distribution company), works as a sales representative for another company, trains for Ironman triathlons and travels almost weekly, yet still manages to spend quality time with his wife (Kathy) and daughter (Katie).  How does he do it?

Peter suggested I ask his wife, Kathy, for insights into how they make their relationship work.  This is what Kathy graciously had to share:

Over 25 years ago, I was so fortunate to marry the most dedicated, hard working, goal driven and ambitious man that I have ever met. I have watched him go from the challenge of a marathon to triathlons and now Ironman competitions. To see Peter accomplish his goal after all of his hard work, strength, determination and countless years of training (and injuries) to participate in the ultimate challenge of this elite race would give me such a great sense of pride and joy. I still cry (both  joy and fear) every time I see the start of the Ironman Race in Lake Placid.

Peter so deserves to compete in Hawaii!! And I am confident and look forward to the day he sees that qualifying time that will take him to Kona. Traveling to his many races has made for some wonderful vacations and family times. Being a cheerleader has become a challenge in itself as we map out course locations to catch a glimpse or track races through target times. Being around all the athletes, their families and the many wonderful personal stories in each race has only made for some great life’s lessons and the creation of a new athlete in our family… Katie.

However, the years of training and competitions have not been without a few bumps along the road in our family life. The hours of training has definitely been a challenge for Peter as a father and a husband. Balancing his time has been difficult and I have taken on many roles that normally would have been shared by Peter (single Mom syndrome comes to mind). The  ”honey-do” list tends to be long and there are times where I really feel overwhelmed with no help in sight. It comes down to …. Peter works and trains, and I do everything else. I am a pretty good multi-tasker, so everything gets done with the exception of taking care of myself.

I tease both Katie and Peter about being high maintenance with their diets, every new fad that Peter tries to improve his performance with, multiple training sites per day and of course all the massages.  Extremely early workouts lead to early bedtimes and someone who can fall asleep in mid conversation (or anywhere). Training hours also equate to work hours at home. So even though Peter is here…he is in his office catching up with the demands of work requirements. Weekends are for long runs and long bikes….so there is limited free time with the family or for us as a couple.

So how we faced the challenges of those bumps along the way?

Communication and patience are two things that come to mind. When Katie is home, we have Sunday dinners that end with a family meeting. We have made it a tradition that is memorialized with a book that records our past week, upcoming week, some problems to be addressed and then we close with a compliment to each other. It has been fun to look back over the years and see what our lives looked like. Now that Katie is in college, we still have weekly “calendar” meetings, to make sure we are in sync with each other and know our schedules. Information is wonderful….and there are less conflicts when there are not surprises!

We travel a lot for both Peter and Katie’s competitions and though Rudy has taken on the nickname of “Gypsy dog”, we try to make our trips fun and like mini-vacations. We set one night a week aside for “date” night to make sure that we know that our marriage is still a priority.  And…of course I keep that “honey do” list updated with one of the items always being to kiss Kathy! Peter never fails to make me tea in the morning and leaves a special note before he leaves for his early swim.

So what advice would I give to the spouse of an athlete in training for the Ironman?

Keep your eye on the prize. It is not always easy and sometimes the sacrifices  may be tough ….oh but the rewards are great. I have seen Peter use his workouts as an outlet for stress, to improve his health, feel better about himself and feel a sense of accomplishment at the finish of each race. His training helps him to be a better person and better spouse and father……if that was ever possible.

I knew what I was getting into when I married him….and these challenges have turned into great rewards.

Be patient and keep the lines of communication open. Life is not always easy…….but these are the times that make for some incredible memories! I can’t wait to say he competed in Hawaii…..and my daughter is an Ironman, too!

Thanks, Kathy!

Live strongly and boldly!

David

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David B. Glover, MS, CSCS
Athlete, Author and Coach
Author of Full Time and Sub-Nine: Fitting Iron Distance Training into Every Day Life
Web: enduranceworks.net

© 2011 David B. Glover